It's been a long time since i feel so troubled. Really troubled.
Just as i thought sleeping through troubled times is the best way to seek asylum, i am wrong. Whatever roadblocks the conscious mind sets, the unconscious mind works its way round. And in dreams, i succumbed and was led to confront what the conscious mind would never concur nor deem logical or acceptable. Basically, exposed. Naked.
I waver between what-is and what's-not while damming emotions that run too fast and deep. I bang head against walls and believe in getting scarred as part and parcel of existing. I live to make people i meet happy yet forget what happiness means to me. I work towards empowering people but strip myself bare against the fight for where my heart lies.
I have read inspiring stories of how women emerge victorious in trying times, memorised quotes that invigorate the souls. I've watched episodes of extraordinary people and remembered their will, their pride and their struggles. Yet i am never really taught and neither do i really learn, the strength and the wisdom that propel them now and onwards.
Yes it is good that life is simple, but with simplicity comes monotony. Yes it is good that life can be exciting but with excitement comes insecurity. And yes it is good being Lijun (it cannot be bad) but being so comes all the responsibilities and expectations anchored to that name.
I am powerless. I am hopeless. I am what you think I am not.
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