in retrospect

it has been a year since i start blogging.

revisiting my first post and reading through all the past entries posted this past one year, it is strange to see how some of my thoughts and feelings could be so stubbornly permeated, while some of my likes and dislikes have changed and failed the test of time.

while i might have publicly attributed my reason to blog to one of wanting to string snippets of happy moments together and to focus on how beautiful life is, i have to admit that it wasn't that simple. i had hidden agenda - that i secretly wanted to be heard and be understood by people who mean alot to me. yes, i am still holding on to that hope although blogging now takes on a bigger meaning than what i have first intended it to be. my own words back then are now emblems of my own mockery; still images of a confused mind which in retrospect have brought clarity and light to the present. unknowingly, my own blog has become an avenue for me to reach out to myself.

i thank butterfly and scarecrow for sharing their worlds, make me marvel at their literary proficiency and inspire me to kickstart a blog of my own. i always like to write but never really believe i was good in writing. i have tonnes of random thoughts but i never thought they were worth penning. yet, when writing becomes a solace of existence, who can say blogging is a waste of time?

i thank butterfly and scarecrow, too, for showing me what being real and true to oneself really mean. from the beginning of this blog, i had portrayed me as one happy person who seems to embrace a beautiful life. if you were an avid reader of this blog, you would be sharp enough to see how my own words this one year have given me away. how often do i truly blog about the happy times?

what is me i still do not know but at least i have gotten started to identify what i am not. it can be bad because i may appear flippant; it can be good because i am not hopeless. even when the day comes when i can finally define me, the relevance of it is as much as it is at that moment, just like the value of diamond is as much as it is before you buy it, depreciates straight after you decide to owe it.

people say we should work towards pursuit of happiness and make life beautiful. i say we should just embrace each primary moment special in our lives, be it a happy or sad moment, a beautiful or marred one.