i always thought i have a happy family. with a papa that can go to large extent for me and a mama that can go to a large extent for me. oh and not forgetting, a brother who cares if he really cares. i thought im so blessed. this still holds true and but sometimes and now most of the times, the happiness and the bliss i always believe and hope to believe seem more and more unreal.

i really dont understand the way my whole family communicates and functions, including myself that is. i really dont understand why a simple dinner together cannot be simple and why a happy family day-out cannot be happy. sometimes to the extent i hate being in it, and being part of it - i may be the cause or i may feel the effect, but so what? it doesnt change anything after knowing who's the cause or what's the effect. it just keeps occuring within the family and ridiculously getting more and more out of hand lately.

im not anywhere better. yes, blame it on upbringing, blame it on weak character. whatever it is, and in retrospect, i have been bringing what i hate about my family into my own life and affecting others the way i hate myself to be affected. i know it's happening but i don't know why it's happening. havent i been advocating the principle of "do unto others, as you would have them do unto you"? it's a mockery definitely, it has to be.

im sorry if your path and mine had once crossed and that i had unwittingly tarnished the beautiful greenary along our way. and of course, i know i deserve nothing but a farewell at the next crossroad. it's possibly the right thing to do anyway - call it quits because nobody would and should ever allow a piece of crap to sink you the way i did, especially when we are all trying hard to stay afloat in our own lives. really, i would have done so too if i were you.